And, today I have a version of a joke I've been carrying around with me since my 20s (no, you can't guess how long that is):
While walking down the street one day a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...” So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Now that you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven: choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders. "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says: "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted.."
The version I know has the people in hell up to their waists in shit, contentedly drinking tea, with the punchline: "Tea break over, stand on your heads".
I've used that line so many times. It's life, isn't it?
A man was about to enter a bar when he was approached by a nun waving a ‘Total abstinence’ banner. ‘Don’t go in there’, she said, ‘alcohol is the devil’s work’. ‘But I just want one pint, it’s been a tough day and I need to unwind’. ‘No you mustn’t, no good will come of drinking alcohol’.
‘Have you ever tried it’? the man asked, ‘No, certainly not’. ‘Well, perhaps you should try it just once. I’ll get you a drink, and if you don’t like it fine, but at least you’ll know what you’re talking about’. ‘Well, alright’, said the nun, ‘just get me one small drink. What do respectable ladies generally drink?’. ‘How about gin?’ the man suggested. The nun thought for a moment, ‘In that case, get me one gin, but put it in a cup so people won’t know I’m drinking alcohol’.
The man walked into the bar and said to the barman, ‘A pint of bitter and a small gin please, and can you put the gin in a cup?’. ‘Oh no’, said the barman ‘, is that bloody nun there again?’.
A little man sits sadly in a bar with a beer in front of him.
A large, bad guy comes along, hits the little guy on the shoulder and drinks his beer.
The little man starts to cry desperately, sobbing loudly.
The big one: “Don’t be like that, you plump wimp! Crying for a beer!”
The little one: “Well then, listen up. This morning my wife left me, our account was cleared, the house was empty! Just after that I lost my job! I didn't want to live anymore, so I put myself on a railway track... no train came! Then I wanted to hang myself... the rope ripped! Wanted to shoot myself... my revolver jams! And now I bought myself a beer with my last money, poured all my rat poison into it and you just drank it away!”
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While walking down the street one day a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...” So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Now that you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven: choose your eternity."
The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil smiles at him and says: "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted.."
The version I know has the people in hell up to their waists in shit, contentedly drinking tea, with the punchline: "Tea break over, stand on your heads".
I've used that line so many times. It's life, isn't it?
A little man sits sadly in a bar with a beer in front of him.
A large, bad guy comes along, hits the little guy on the shoulder and drinks his beer.
The little man starts to cry desperately, sobbing loudly.
The big one: “Don’t be like that, you plump wimp! Crying for a beer!”
The little one: “Well then, listen up. This morning my wife left me, our account was cleared, the house was empty! Just after that I lost my job! I didn't want to live anymore, so I put myself on a railway track... no train came! Then I wanted to hang myself... the rope ripped! Wanted to shoot myself... my revolver jams!
And now I bought myself a beer with my last money, poured all my rat poison into it and you just drank it away!”
Trump is having tea with HM Queen Elizabeth.
Trump: I think I’d like my country to be a Kingdom.
HM the Q: Well, you’d have to be a King to do that, and you are not one.
Trump: Well, an Empire, then.
HM the Q: Again, not possible, because you are not an Emperor.
Trump: Well, how about a Principality?
HM the Q: Well, the same problem. You are not a Prince. I’m afraid The US will have to remain a country.