I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said: 'Do you mind if I put some music on?' I said: 'No, not at all'.. He said: 'Kiss?' I said: 'Let's start with the music and see how we feel.’
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said,
"Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked,
"What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a toilet and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, according to the rules, a royal flush beats a pair!"
D- Mum, am I adopted?
M- Of course not Rosie, why do you think that?
D- We did DNA tests at science today and mine doesn't match yours and dads.
Mum rings dad;
M- Rosie thinks she's adopted after DNA testing, what do we do?
D- Of course she is! Don't you remember that last night at the hospital, she wouldn't stop crying.
Then you said, "change her", so I did and picked a good one!
D- Mum, am I adopted?
M- Of course not Rosie, why do you think that?
D- We did DNA tests at science today and mine doesn't match yours and dads.
Mum rings dad;
M- Rosie thinks she's adopted after DNA testing, what do we do?
D- Of course she is! Don't you remember that last night at the hospital, she wouldn't stop crying.
Then you said, "change her", so I did and picked a good one!
A taxi cab picks up a nun. The nun enters the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring.
The nun asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you".
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy of having a nun kiss me.
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping in sorrow.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK! My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party!’’
A farmer needed to buy a rooster for his chickens. Another man had a rooster for sale. The farmer goes to buy the rooster. The man tells him this is Brewster, he will service your chickens, but he is a sex addict and will go after anything.
The farmer buys Brewster and takes him home. Brewster goes through the henhouse, then starts on the farmer's sheep and other barnyard animals. After a couple of days of this, the farmer tells Brewster, “You gotta slow down, or you'll kill yourself.”
After a week of Brewster going after every animal on the farm, the farmer comes out and sees Brewster laid out in the yard, vultures are already circling. The farmer, cussing, tells the corpse of his rooster, “I told you you'd kill yourself if you didn't stop your sex-crazed ways.”
Brewster opens one eye and says, “Shut up, they're about to land.”
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
Mary Tyler Moore is a guest on the David Letterman Show. Letterman asked her what was the funniest joke she ever heard.
She answered: “One day a man went to go see a big shot talent agent to see if he would consider representing him. The agent said “well, I’ve got to see want kind of talent you have.”
Well, the man shows him. The agent watched him mesmerized and saw how great he could dance, heard him singing beautifully, saw him act and listened to his comedy routines. The agent was amazed at all the talent this man had.
He wanted to sign him up right away so he asked him what his name was. “Well,” the man replies, “My parents gave me a rather odd name…my name is Penis Van Lesbian.”
The agent says, “Oh no, that name wouldn’t work. We have to change your name.” The agent thinks for a while, trying to figure out a good name for him.
All of a sudden the agent says, “I’ve got the perfect name for you! From now on your new name will be ‘Dick Van Dyke’.”
A guy walks into a bar carrying a big box. He tells the bartender he wants a beer, but he doesn’t have any money. The bartender tells him to get lost, but the guy says, “After you see what I have in this box, you will give me my drinks for free.” He opens the box and takes out a small piano and puts it on the bar. He adds a small bench, then brings out a tiny man, twelve inches tall, in formal wear. The tiny man bows, then sits down at the piano and begins to play.
He’s an amazing player, and a crowd begins to gather. Pretty soon, the bar is packed with everyone drinking and watching the piano player. When the bar closes for the night, the bartender says, “All right, buddy, as long as you bring the little guy, you can have your drinks for free. But you gotta tell me, where did you find him?”
The guy says “Come with me,” and takes him into the alley behind the bar. There, next to the dumpster, is an old, battered magic lamp. “Just rub this lamp, and the genie will give you whatever you ask for.”
Greedily, the bartender picks up the lamp and says, “Give me a million bucks!” Instantly, ducks start falling from the sky, and they have to run back in the bar as ducks start to pile up in the alley.
The bartender says, “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks! Is your genie hard of hearing?”
The guy responds, “Yeah, I suppose so. Did you think I really asked for a twelve-inch pianist?”
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. They are now in Heaven. 👰🤵🚗💥⚰️😇☁️🌈🕊
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said,
"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple.
"But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted.
"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
Comments
'Do you mind if I put some music on?'
I said: 'No, not at all'..
He said: 'Kiss?'
I said: 'Let's start with the music and see how we feel.’
If Chris Rea married Danny Dyer, would their married name be Dyer-Rea?
Geri can.
“Hi Mom, it’s me.”
“Hi Sally, are you okay? Aren’t you with your father at the Ace Hardware?”
“Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they’ve let me make one phone call.”
“What happened?”
“Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face.”
“What on earth… Why did you do that???”
“Well, it really wasn’t my fault. “Dad told me to find a Black and Decker"
The coroner put it down to Careless Wispas.
The angel said "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly took off her top and said,
"Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushes it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked,
"What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a toilet and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, according to the rules, a royal flush beats a pair!"
D- Mum, am I adopted?
M- Of course not Rosie, why do you think that?
D- We did DNA tests at science today and mine doesn't match yours and dads.
Mum rings dad;
M- Rosie thinks she's adopted after DNA testing, what do we do?
D- Of course she is! Don't you remember that last night at the hospital, she wouldn't stop crying.
Then you said, "change her", so I did and picked a good one!
I'm just about to start a religious movement.
Sofishticated. 🐟
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick. 🪵
Very specifically joke of the day - this day.
Turns out they are pretty light.
A taxi cab picks up a nun. The nun enters the cab and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring.
The nun asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you".
"My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy of having a nun kiss me.
"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts weeping in sorrow.
"My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK! My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party!’’
A farmer needed to buy a rooster for his chickens. Another man had a rooster for sale. The farmer goes to buy the rooster. The man tells him this is Brewster, he will service your chickens, but he is a sex addict and will go after anything.
The farmer buys Brewster and takes him home. Brewster goes through the henhouse, then starts on the farmer's sheep and other barnyard animals. After a couple of days of this, the farmer tells Brewster, “You gotta slow down, or you'll kill yourself.”
After a week of Brewster going after every animal on the farm, the farmer comes out and sees Brewster laid out in the yard, vultures are already circling. The farmer, cussing, tells the corpse of his rooster, “I told you you'd kill yourself if you didn't stop your sex-crazed ways.”
Brewster opens one eye and says, “Shut up, they're about to land.”
A guy walks into a bar carrying a big box. He tells the bartender he wants a beer, but he doesn’t have any money. The bartender tells him to get lost, but the guy says, “After you see what I have in this box, you will give me my drinks for free.” He opens the box and takes out a small piano and puts it on the bar. He adds a small bench, then brings out a tiny man, twelve inches tall, in formal wear. The tiny man bows, then sits down at the piano and begins to play.
He’s an amazing player, and a crowd begins to gather. Pretty soon, the bar is packed with everyone drinking and watching the piano player. When the bar closes for the night, the bartender says, “All right, buddy, as long as you bring the little guy, you can have your drinks for free. But you gotta tell me, where did you find him?”
The guy says “Come with me,” and takes him into the alley behind the bar. There, next to the dumpster, is an old, battered magic lamp. “Just rub this lamp, and the genie will give you whatever you ask for.”
Greedily, the bartender picks up the lamp and says, “Give me a million bucks!” Instantly, ducks start falling from the sky, and they have to run back in the bar as ducks start to pile up in the alley.
The bartender says, “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks! Is your genie hard of hearing?”
The guy responds, “Yeah, I suppose so. Did you think I really asked for a twelve-inch pianist?”